Transporting Jagged Heavy Objects In Tiny Fragile Spaces

What was that E. was saying?:

MMMMMAAAARRRCCCCC! There is water under the back porch! I looked everywhere for a leak, but there's nothing

Sigh. This happens every six months to a year, or so. The house's sewage line dates from around 1940, with a 60-year expected lifetime. There is a break in the house's sewage line not far from the house and roots from nearby trees periodically block the line. Water backs up and flows from an open pipe into a concrete basin under the back porch. It is impossible to wash clothes or take showers without creating a health menace as collateral damage.

Prior to 1940, the house's water closet was located where the back porch is located now. The old toilet pipe is still there, and open for back-up flows. It's spooky to watch munched up toilet paper, spider webs, and other black, unidentifiable debris, come bubbling up like an oil strike from that pipe!

Until I spring for a new sewage line, the interim solution is to use a 75-foot snake (the approximate length of the pipe) to get rid of the roots and restore flow. I bought a snake with a 1/4" cable several years ago, but I kinked it last year. Apparently it was not heavy enough for the job. So, it was time to check out the rental equipment at the rental equipment place and get the 75 foot 1/2" snake for the night. Sometimes Joe The Plumber helps out with this, but after the big loss in Vegas I didn't want to pay this time. Self Reliance is the New Black.

The only trouble, of course, is that the motorized snake, with its sharp, wicked root-gouging blade-encased tip, is very heavy. Plus, I didn't have a pick up truck, and I was working all by myself. Well, I've done all this before, and I can do all this again.

I showed up at the rental equipment place at 4:25 p.m. and the rough and ready guys there gave me that expression - you know, like a fish, with a big oval for a mouth - when some eccentric customer rolls in and proposes the impossible just 5 minutes before closing time. "Can't you get a pickup truck? The snake won't fit in a compact sedan! It's too heavy for you! You need some some help! You'll destroy your upholstery! You know, it'll make your car stink!" "Listen," I said, "I've done all this before! The 3rd door on the Saturn SC-2 coupe gives you options! There is a blanket on the back seat to protect the upholstery. Just give me a little help!" So, three of us muscled the savage, heavy object into the car's back seat. "It's not secure! It's not secure!" whined one of the Nervous Nelly Muscle Men. In response, he used a seat belt to help keep the plumbing equivalent of a black hole from rolling if I ever tapped on the brakes on the way home.

I was a bit exasperated with these guys. I mean, I've done this before! Trust me on this!

Rolling home, I tapped on the brakes, and I heard what sounded like a ninja star hit the side of the car: "TTTHHHHWWWAAAACCCKKKK!". Apparently the seat belt wrapped around the motorized snake destabilized the snake and made it sit up abruptly as I braked. As the snake stood up, the sharp, wicked root-gouging blade-encased tip rotated at high speed and punched into plastic interior wall of the car, making a small hole. Wow! Cool! Still, it made me impatient. Nervous Nellie Muscle Men! Secure my ass! Look, I've done this before! It's not as hard as it looks!

At home, I wrestled the monster from the car, tried to avoid dropping it on my foot, and rolled it into the basement. After the DMTC Board Meeting, at about midnight, I went to work plumbing the depths of my sewage pipe. Despite two plunges, the sharp, wicked root-gouging blade-encased tip never ripped into roots. I'm not sure what caused the clog, but a load of laundry demonstrated that flow was finally reestablished.

In the morning, it was a real challenge to wrestle the dense, gravity-warping motorized snake back into the car, but by using an Igloo cooler to help stair-step it upwards, I managed to get it into the back seat. Of course, the sharp, wicked root-gouging blade-encased tip dinged up a little bit the weather-stripping on the 3rd door as I dragged the motorized snake into the back seat. Plus, I hyperextended my knee a little bit. But that's the price of Self Reliance.

Returning the snake to the rental equipment place, the Rough and Ready Muscle Men gave me that familiar oval-mouthed fish-faced expression when they saw me roll up. They helped me unload the monstrous tool and finalized the rental transaction.

As I started to drive away, one of the workman flagged me down. He pointed to my front license plate frame and asked what the slogan emblazoned on the license plate frame meant. Let's see, the slogan reads "So, Far From God; So Close To Kylie!". I explained that I was a fan of the pop singer Kylie Minogue. He said he knew who she was, she is very pretty, and that she's been singing for years. But did the slogan mean I didn't believe in God?

No, I explained, the slogan meant that I would be very happy if Kylie was my girl. He smiled and agreed with that sentiment.