Walk On The Wild Side

The Valentine's Day issue of the Yolo Flatlander is out. Here is what I wrote for them this month. I wrote this just after "La Cage Aux Folles" opened at DMTC. The editor added an introductory paragraph (which I indicate in italics:
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I'm an actor for Davis Musical Theater Company's "La Cage Aux Folles." For the first time in my 51 years, I was given the role of a drag queen. I had to walk, talk, look, dress, and dance like a woman - in high heels yet! Turning into a cross-dresser became an adventure in shopping, walking, make-up and pratfalls.

In the decade of the 70’s, I remember watching TV with my father, and watching a figure skater spin on the ice. My dad turned to me with a confident smile and said, "I can do that!" My teenaged skepticism shone through: "YOU can do THAT?" "Yes," my dad said "if you try hard enough, you can do anything!" ("And fifty couch potatoes can dance on the head of a pin," I replied with my inside voice).

Fast forward to November 2007. There was something alluring about trying out for the Davis Musical Theatre Company’s New Year’s 2008 show, "La Cage Aux Folles." Over the previous years I had become enamored by the show girl career of Australian pop star Kylie Minogue. Adhering to the community theater ethic, I figured, instead of just admiring Kylie from afar, why not emulate her? There were a few difficulties to overcome – I was male, not female, for example, and I was 51 years old, a bit on the antique side. But if you try hard enough, you can do anything! And done well, the aging drag queen can be an audience-winning role (witness Robert Preston in the film “Victor/Victoria,” for example).

So I tried out, and was cast as both a café owner (male), and a Cagelle dancer (transvestite). I was fortunate to get cast as a Cagelle – the Cagelles were an awesomely talented group, half-male, half-female. My opportunity came because several young, excellent candidates had failed to audition, largely because skeptical parents saw moral or academic hazards.

The banter in the dressing room was high camp. Strange things happened that have never happened in other shows. For example, the friend of one cast member tried to be helpful by styling a wig. The wig was placed in a microwave oven and accidentally set afire, forcing a hurried search for a replacement.

I had many worries to overcome before appearing on-stage as a transvestite. Nothing worried me more than dancing in heels. I have wide, stiff, flat feet, with bunions. Would standing still be an agony, much less moving around? Via MySpace, I had a show girl contact in Australia. What would she recommend?

Well, nothing really. Young, single Australian girls generally ignore panicked E-Mail requests for high-heel advice from middle-aged American men.

Nonetheless, the heels have been working out OK, despite the occasional pratfall. Character shoes are sturdy and their heels are much less hazardous than stiletto heels. The shoes flex, and so they’ve been much more comfortable than expected.

Most of the cast members were very pro-active about obtaining makeup. I knew much less than they did, and I needed advice. During the Christmas shopping rush, I went into “Sephora,” a shop in Arden Fair Mall, and gazed longingly at fashion merchandise on display. A sales clerk asked, "Is there anything we can help you with?" I replied, "yes, actually, I um..... I - I need some help with full drag makeup?" With the most diabolically-delicious grin, she said, "we have just the person to help you!"

During the day, The Reverend Mother Joseph attends to the makeup needs of Sacramento's crème de la femme. During the night, he attends to the makeup needs of a far more diverse clientele in Sacramento's various underground drag, metal, and Goth communities. Joseph, and his friend Ashley, provided valuable and much-appreciated makeup advice, not only to me, but to the rest of the cast as well.

Based on my need to get false eyelashes on and off as rapidly as possible, in order to switch sexes as well as characters, the Reverend Mother Joseph suggested the use of very large, easy-to-handle false eyelashes. These inch-long eyelashes were a minor hit in the dressing room!

The clothes were theatrical things fashioned for display. Undergarments like nylons, and a bra, had to be purchased, however. So, at the last moment, I headed over to Target, in order to purchase dog food, bird seed, and a bra. I felt conspicuous shopping for women’s lingerie, trying to make an appropriate choice. I was about a size 39-something, but sizes were apparently in even increments. A size 38-C beige padded bra was about the best I could do.

In the Target parking lot, I was accosted by a signature gatherer attempting to qualify “Sarah’s Law” for an upcoming California ballot. The initiative was advertised as “Stop sexual predators by providing for parental notification of an abortion on a pregnant unemancipated minor” (http://ag.ca.gov/cms_pdfs/initiatives/i722_07-0053_A1S_Initiative.pdf). I wondered if this sincere woman would figure I was more a part of the problem rather than the solution, given what I was up to at the moment. The initiative sounded complex upon a first-hearing. Things have come to a pretty pass when California ballot initiatives begin to sound like Congressional omnibus spending measures, I thought. Making a snap, uninformed decision, I decided against adding my signature to the petition.

“What are you using to stuff your bra?” the Mother Reverend Joseph asked. “Tissue paper,” I answered. One cast member offered that he was using bird seed. “In response to sweat, bird seed can sprout,” asserted Joseph, and the cast member agreed that that had already happened.

Joseph himself used rice, but white, polished rice, not whole-grain rice, because of impurities. “One time, I began strapping on my boobs, and noticed they were swarming with little worms that had hatched since their last use.”

Wow! Who knew that being a woman was so complicated? One misstep amongst the grains in the supermarket, and one could end up as some kind of wormy Halloween Chia Pet! Better to sprout than squirm! I chose bird seed.

Various theater friends had strong, often negative reactions, to my new persona, as Cagelle “Derma”. I could see shock in their faces, as they turned away quickly, or laughed reflexively. The Producer happened across me as I modeled my bra, and he burst out laughing. I approached a year-and-a-half old child, whom I had played with a few days before, and he turned away and cried. The Props Lady pushed an outstretched hand directly into my face, and turned away.

As for myself, what I saw in the mirror was my dear mother (albeit a male version). Were the odd reactions due more to my age than my sex? It’s hard to say for sure. The older drag queen has an uphill struggle in this society!

You just knew that the New Year’s opening would be different than most. From the moment we turned and faced the audience, you knew we were having an impact. I could hear people laughing, which can express (or hide) a number of emotions - shock, surprise, even amusement. Whatever it was, it was all there! Excepting an injury to a cast member, the show went well.

Yielding to impulse, dancing at the New Year’s gala after our show, I approached a female friend, and asked her out on a date. She declined: “you see, I prefer women.” Really? Really? Wow, how did I miss that? An analogy came to mind.

Clever enemies can overwhelm antimissile defense systems by scattering strips of metallic Mylar chaff high in the atmosphere, confusing defensive RADAR systems, and allowing the penetration of nuclear warheads. Similarly, there were so many beads, boas, and brightly-colored spandex chaff in the theater’s atmosphere that my GAYDAR was hopelessly confused.

Jealous bachelors have long noticed that single women often prefer the company of gay men. In some way, my effort to learn the social secrets of gay men, by penetrating their camp, seems to have been exposed as a failure. Oh well!

Acceptance as an older transvestite is still hard to get. “I’m working to get your love,” I told the Props Lady. “You won’t get it,” she said with hard finality. “You are just too peculiar looking!” But I won’t give up, because, after all, if you try hard enough, you can do anything!