"Legally Blonde" - Runaway Stage Productions

Cassie March as Elle Woods.

An excellent show at RSP!

I had some difficulty with some of the lyrics, due to the tempo and some trouble hearing the words over the orchestra, so I checked on two songs that appeared remarkably clever during the show, but for which I couldn't always be sure of what I was hearing.

First, Paulette the Hairdresser's ode to the famed Emerald Isle made famous by 'Riverdance': "Ireland":

PAULETTE
(spoken)
Elle, do you know the number one reason behind all bad hair decisions?
Love!

(sung) You're lost without your love
Your heart is on the floor
I can help you
I've been there before!
When I need to relax
I just put on some tracks
From this CD I bought for the store

(Celtic chanting)

(spoken) Isn't that relaxing? It's called CELTIC MOODS!

(sung) When I'm lonely or feeling dejected
I play this and it never fails
I pretend like I'm in Ireland
With Enya and the whales

When my telephone gets disconnected
Or I spend every night alone
I pretend like I'm in Ireland
Where the Irish bagpipes drone

Smell the grass as a rainstorm is endin'
People smile while I stroll past their farms
With a redheaded sailor named Brendan
And we dance without moving our arms

In a bar once I met this guy Dewey
And he bought me like 14 beers
And he told me that he was from Ireland
So I lived with him 10 years

If I squinted he looked like my sailor
Through my boozy delusional fog
But he dumped me for some slut named Kayla
Took my trailer and took my dog

In Ireland they know how to love you
You embrace in the misty Irish breeze
And if your Irish boy tires of you
You're allowed to shoot him in the knees

Hey, you look like that poster for Ireland
Long blonde hair and the sweet sunny face
Oh no wait that's the poster for Sweden
Oh screw it. I'll never see either place!

But a girl sweet as you has a future
You have hope as each new day dawns
Girls like you always get to see Ireland
Give my love to the leprechauns

Second, the song There! Right There! This song is the most-amusing musical-theater song I've heard in years: perhaps the most-amusing song ever!

The legal team defending Aerobics Superstar Brooke Wyndham (played perfectly by the ever-athletic Kris Farhood), who is on trial for murdering her billionaire husband, needs to quickly-establish which 'team' the foreign-mannered witness, Nikos the Pool Boy (played by Seth Benkunsky), plays for:

Elle:
There! Right There!
Look at that tan, that tinted skin.
Look at the killer shape he's in.
Look at that slightly stubbly chin.
Oh Please he's gay, totally gay.

Callahan:
I'm not about to celebrate.
Every trait could indicate the totally straight expatriate.
This guy's not gay, I say not gay.

All:
That is the elephant in the room.
Well is it relevant to assume
that a man who wears perfume
is automatically radically fey?

Emmett:
But look at his coiffed and crispy locks.

Elle:
Look at his silk translucent socks.

Callahan:
There's the eternal paradox.
Look what we're seeing.

Elle:
What are we seeing?

Callahan:
Is he gay?

Elle:
Of course he's gay.

Calahan:
Or European?

All:
ohhhhhh.
Gay or European?
It's hard to guarantee
Is he gay or European?

Warner:
Well, hey don't look at me.

Vivian:
You see they bring their boys up different in those charming foreign ports.
They play peculiar sports.

All:
In shiny shirts and tiny shorts.
Gay or foreign fella?
The answer could take weeks.
They will say things like "ciao bella"
while they kiss you on both cheeks.

Elle:
Oh please.

All:
Gay or European?
So many shades of gray.

Warner:
Depending on the time of day, the French go either way.

All:
Is he gay or European?
or

Enid:
There! Right There!
Look at that condescending smirk.
Seen it on every guy at work.
That is a metro hetero jerk.
That guy's not gay, I say no way.

All:
That is the elephant in the room.
Well is it relevant to presume
that a hottie in that costume

Elle:
Is automatically-radically

Callahan:
Ironically chronically

Vivian:
Certainly pertin'tly

Warner:
Genetically medically

All:
GAY!
OFFICIALLY GAY!
OFFICIALLY GAY GAY GAY GAY
DAMNIT!

Gay or European?

Callahan
So stylish and relaxed.

All:
Is he gay or European?

Callahan
I think his chest is waxed.

Vivian:
But they bring their boys up different there.
It's culturally diverse.
It's not a fashion curse.

All:
If he wears a kilt or bears a purse.
Gay or just exotic?
I still can't crack the code.

Brooke:
Yet his accent is hypnotic
but his shoes are pointy toed.

All:
Huh.
Gay or European?
So many shades of gray.

Judge:
But if he turns out straight I'm free at eight on Saturday.

All:
Is he gay or European?
gay or european?
Gay or Euro-

Emmett:
Wait a minute!
Give me a chance to crack this guy.
I have an idea I'd like to try.

Callahan:
The floor is yours.

Emmett:
So Mr. Argitacos...
This alleged affair with Ms. Windam has been going on for...?

Nikos:
2 years.

Emmett:
And your first name again is...?

Nikos:
Nikos.

Emmett:
And your boyfriend's name is...?

Nikos:
Carlos.
I'm sorry! I misunderstand. You say boyfriend.
I thought you say best friend. Carlos is my best friend.

Carlos:
You bastard!
You lying bastard!
That's it.
I no cover for you, no more!
Peoples.
I have a big announcement.
This man is Gay and European!
you've got to stop your being
a completely closet case.
No matter what he say.
I swear he never ever ever swing the other way.
You are so gay.
You big parfait!
You flaming boy band cabaret.

Nikos:
I'm straight!

Carlos:
You were not yesterday.
So if I may, I'm proud to say,
He's gay!

All:
And European!

Carlos:
He's gay!

All:
And European!

Carlos:
He's gay!

All:
And European and Gay!

Nikos:
Fine okay I'm gay!

All:
Hooray!

Nikos and Carlos:
Fine. Okay. We're gay!

Christina Castro prepares to bow. Brent Dirksen (with the dog, Rufus Buonofonte), Danielle Hansen, Christina Castro, Ambercade Guidry.

I hadn't had time to talk with Christina before. In DMTC's recent production of "Chicago", she struck me as the most-amazing dancer ever, by being able to flirt with the audience while dancing the opening number: a truly amazing feat, given the rapid tempo. Apparently Christina's dance roots are in Elk Grove, at J. Rene Dance Studio, among several studios in her formative years. I had never heard of J. Rene, but the suburban scene is often the birthplace of great dancers (in Tucson, where I started performing, Tucson Regional Ballet had started off as just such a suburban studio). In Christina's case, she had gone into theatrical dancing competition early, and excelled in it. I hope she's on stage in Sacramento for years!

Caitland Martin, Brent Dirksen, Kate Richardson, Danielle Hansen, Christina Castro, Ambercade Guidry, Michael Cross.

Matt Welch and Cassie March prepare to bow. Caitland Martin, Brent Dirksen, Kate Richardson, Michael Cross, Ashley Holm, Danielle Hansen, Christina Castro, Matt Welch, Ambercade Guidry, Cassie March, Cole Forstedt, Jennifer Schmelzer.

It was great seeing Matt Welch again! I hadn't seen him since DMTC's "A Chorus Line", in 2003. In the intervening years he's been involved in set design and directing in San Jose and Portland, but hasn't performed on stage in four years. Excellent singer!

The DMTC crew on the outside steps after the show.

The social scene around any musical is always a bit hazardous. I had two opportunities to demonstrate what an ass I am.

First, before the show, I saw Riley Spieler whom I hadn't seen much of since 2009's "Seussical the Musical" at DMTC. I asked him if he had done any shows recently. He gave a pained grin and said he had been in the children's show that had closed that very afternoon at RSP (which I should have known about, if I had been paying any attention).

Secondly, I congratulated Kate Richardson for her wonderful portrayal of Paulette the Hairdresser. I also congratulated her for being the liveliest cast member in RSP's January show, "The Wedding Singer". She thanked me very much for the compliments: particularly for the being the liveliest cast member in "The Wedding Singer", since she hadn't even been in that show, but very much liked the idea that she was the liveliest person.

Characteristically, I had confused Kate Richardson with Jennifer Schmelzer (whom I fervently-hope was actually a cast member in "The Wedding Singer").