Peace Crimes

Every year, satire gets harder and harder to write:

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND—An international peace-crimes tribunal commenced legal proceedings against former U.S. President Jimmy Carter for alleged crimes against inhumanity Monday.

"Jimmy Carter's political career includes a laundry list of anti-war-making offenses," said chief prosecutor Charles B. Simmons. "Carter's record of benevolence, diplomacy, and respect for human life is unrivaled in recent geopolitical history. For millions, the very sight of his face evokes memories of his administration's reign of tolerance."

Carter awaits trial for acts of peace committed between 1976 and the present.
The former president, whom Simmons described as "relentless in his naked pursuit of everlasting global peace," has been sought by peace-crimes officers in the international war-making community for decades. Police apprehended Carter on July 25 in South Florida, where he was building low-income housing as a part of a Habitat For Humanity project. Shortly thereafter, he was extradited to Geneva, where he will be prosecuted for "grossly humane acts against all nations."

..."Carter is one of the worst enemies the forces of destruction have known since Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and his non-violent rampages of the '50s and '60s," Simmons said. "Even today, in his capacity as an ex-president, [Carter] continues his pursuit of non-aggression. He must be stopped now, before another terrible war is avoided and more lives are saved."

Prosecutors have linked Carter to a number of international humanitarian organizations, including Red Cross and Amnesty International, both of which fund compassionate, non-military efforts around the globe.

..."Prosecutors will have no difficulty establishing Carter's willful intent to pursue and maintain the aim of peaceful intervention in international affairs when they cite his formation of The Carter Center, an organization whose three publicly stated aims are 'Fighting Disease,' 'Building Hope,' and 'Waging Peace,'" Halloway said. "Carter will be forced to answer for his reign of tranquility before the entire world community."

If found guilty, Carter could face permanent exile in a nonviolent nation such as Norway.

On behalf of the Bush administration, Vice-President Dick Cheney expressed regret over Carter's alleged crimes.

"We are all aware of the missteps that occurred during the placid days of the Carter administration," Cheney said. "It was simply a matter of bringing the justice to light. Thankfully, the process has begun, and this chapter in our nation's history is finally being brought to a close."