Attack of the 50-Foot Tall Woman

Conversing via E-Mail with Deborah McMillion-Nering in Phoenix about a piece of art-work by fellow Sacramentan Scott Ray Randall, Attack of the 100 Foot Tall Radioactive Killer Flamingo, I began considering the plight of a 50-Foot Tall Woman (never did see the 50's sci-fi movie). I mean, it would be awful to be that tall. I remember, in 1976, watching the crowd at Cinderella City, a mall in Englewood, Colorado (south of Denver) using the mall's warrenlike nature to indiscreetly follow a 7-foot tall woman around as she shopped (according to ex-Coloradan Tony Davi, the mall has since been demolished, which was probably a good idea anyway). But if you are 50 feet tall, it's much worse - you can't shop, you can't go to restaurants, all you can do is sit on railway trestles and pout, and when trains come, you have no choice but to stand up, because 50-foot tall is still too short to pose much of hazard to a heavy locomotive and train weighing hundreds of tons. It's like being Godzilla, but even in Tokyo, you wouldn't get much respect, just lots of stares.

One of the things I love about my FAVORITE pop hero, Kylie Minogue, is her willingness to dabble in kitsch. One of the things she does in one of her Fever Tour songs (available on DVD) is to play upon her short stature (5'2") by stepping upon a hydraulic lift and BECOMING the 50 foot woman of kitsch lore. But it's hazardous: there isn't much she can do up there on the hydraulic lift. She shifts her weight to the right foot, then to the left. She shifts her rib cage right, then to the left. Then she moves her head around. Despite the elaborate set, flashing lights, great tan, and corps of hyperactive dancers, you see the problem: try to make it last longer than just one song, and it would become a yawner. So even Kylie had to be judicious about assuming that role.

I remember eating dinner with the Kubilius family back in high school. The entire Kubilius family was tall - Kendall was the shortest at 6' 8". As I recall, the dinnertime conversation was how short people never amount to anything in this world. But if you are 50 feet tall, the story is different. In my opinion, it's better to be short, and never have to answer that tedious question: "how's the weather up there?"