Once again, I am sending out my Christmas Letter in the form of a multiple-choice quiz. The reason I am sticking with this convention is:
( ) I didn’t get a passing grade on last year’s quiz and need to try again;
( ) I need the extra credit;
( ) I don’t want an ‘Incomplete’ on my record;
( ) All of the above.
The year of 2014 got off to a remarkably bad start. In California, the winter rainy season failed utterly. A meteorological phenomenon called the “Really Resilient Ridge” repelled all of the winter rainstorms that make California inhabitable. The reason for the extreme drought is:
( ) We sacrificed the lean calf instead of the fatted one;
( ) Hollywood just went too far this time;
( ) Mother Nature started sulking;
( ) All of the above.
In the spirit of the terrible times, I took this fellow as my avatar for 2014. He is an Iranian who smokes animal dung in a pipe and hasn't had a bath in sixty years. I figured, if he could do it, so could I. The reason more people didn’t flock to his banner is:( ) Hollywood just went too far this time;
( ) He’s just a showoff narcissist;
( ) None of the above.
On a more practical level, I took fewer showers this year, started recycling gray water, withheld water from my landscaping, and hoped the trees wouldn’t die. The reason this approach succeeded is:
( ) No one really noticed my change in habits;
( ) I didn’t notice their habits changed either;
( ) The trees were already dead;
( ) People figured it was a publicity stunt anyway;
( ) All of the above.
Regarding Davis Musical Theater Company (DMTC) in Davis, CA, I participated in several shows this year. I was Stage Manager for “Cabaret” and “Shrek, the Musical”, and had a brief moment as a ‘Cut Dancer’ in “A Chorus Line”. There was also the 30th Anniversary Gala. Theater participation is a good thing, because:( ) Hollywood just went too far this time;
( ) It improves your reflexes;
( ) You become more adept at improvisation;
( ) All of the above.
I saw several interesting movies this year. These were:
• “Nebraska” (with Bruce Dern and Bob Odenkirk);
• “Le Corsaire” (Bolshoi Ballet);
• “Her” (falling in love with a computer; made me treat Siri differently);
• “À La Française” (an amusing animation short);
• Muppets “Most Wanted” (Muppets are always great!);
• “X-men: Days of Future Past” (didn’t understand a damned thing);
• “The Edge of Tomorrow” (best Tom Cruise movie yet – a low bar, I know);
• “Maleficent” (with the great Angelina Jolie!);
• “Belle” (brilliant presentation of the 1840’s ‘Zong’ verdict);
• “How to Train Your Dragon 2” (didn’t really *get* this animated film);
• “Interstellar” (oooh! Time dilation near a black hole as a plot device!);
• “The Hunger Games – Mockingjay – Part I” (fantastic!);
• “The Theory of Everything” (Felicity Jones is great as Jane Hawking!);
• “The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies” (overwhelming in 3-D);
My favorite movie was “The Hunger Games – Mockingjay – Part I”, because:
( ) Fewer showers means social interactions necessarily become more superficial;
( ) Hollywood just went too far this time;
( ) It improves your reflexes to face relentless assault by desperate teenagers;
( ) Lorde is an excellent singer;
( ) Katniss Everdeen is the reincarnation of Annie Oakley;
( ) All of the above.
In 2014, I continued taking Zumba and hip-hop oriented aerobics classes at ‘Step One’ health studio with Pepper Von, Krystle Morales, and associates. This was good because;
( ) 2014 was the ‘Year of the Booty’;
( ) They teach secret twerking skills;
( ) I made the twerk honor roll twice;
( ) I totally missed the Kim Kardashian booty backlash;
( ) None of the above.
Together with a motley assortment of little girls, I loudly mocked Sacramento comedy duo Ritz and Triscuit in a YouTube video called, “We Are Dancers”, mostly because they were dressed like a donut and a hot dog and didn’t dance very well. This comedy video pleased me because:
( ) 2014 was the ‘Year of Junk Food’;
( ) Donuts have secret twerking skills;
( ) I was way too busy to notice the Kim Kardashian booty backlash;
( ) All of the above.
I traveled to my hometown of Albuquerque, NM in February, July, and November, mostly in association with the popular TV series “Breaking Bad”. In February, I sat in on a Breaking Bad Roundtable at the 35th Annual Southwest/American Popular Culture Conference. Many strange sessions: Creepy Children, The Grateful Dead, Nerdlesque (combining burlesque with comic book themes), Hunger Games, Mississippi Diner Food; you name it. This was a fun meeting, because:
( ) My social life is painfully limited;
( ) 2014 was the ‘Year of Mississippi Diner Food’;
( ) I have way too much time on my hands;
( ) All of the above.
On April 9, 2014, I self-published (via CreateSpace on Amazon.com) “A Guide to Breaking Bad Filming Locations” (with contributions by Sven Joli). I started selling the book too. This was fun because:
( ) My social life is painfully limited;
( ) Amazon delivers secret twerking skills overnight by drone;
( ) It improves your reflexes to face relentless assault by desperate academics;
( ) None of the above.
My favorite book of the year was Pekka Hämäläinen's book, "The Comanche Empire" (Yale University Press, New Haven, 2008). The reason I liked it was:
( ) Now I finally *get* honorary Comanche Johnny Depp;
( ) The Comanche Empire had mad horse skillz;
( ) I was protected from the Honey Boo-Boo mess;
( ) It improves your reflexes to face relentless assault by cavalries of the Plains;
The most exciting dance moment of the year was March 28th, when Jamaican Dancehall instructor Laure Courtellemont came to town. Amazing and astonishing was she as an instructor! I was simply agog, because:( ) She mastered secret twerking skills long ago, but prefers to concentrate on even more-mesmerizing moves;
( ) It improves your reflexes to try and master Jamaican Dancehall;
( ) All of the above.
On April 25th, I slipped on a misparked pram and fell hard on the floor of a restaurant. A doctor came racing up, shouting loudly “are you all right?” What I learned was:
( ) Prams kill;
( ) Doctors are really desperate for business;
( ) You can’t get faster service by making a really dramatic entrance;
( ) All of the above.
My crooked California attorney, who stole $3,250 from me in 2013, was finally disbarred by the California Supreme Court in May and charged with a variety of crimes. The State Bar’s Client Security Fund (CSF), which reimburses money stolen by crooked California attorneys, has been making everyone else suffer, but they smiled on me, reimbursed me in full, and even paid several hundred dollars interest! This experience convinces me:
( ) I really need to find more crooked California attorneys and fork over to them large amounts of money;
( ) I have lawyer mojo;
( ) You can lead attorneys to water, but unless they get a retainer first, you can’t make them drink;
( ) None of the above.
On July 18-19, I attended the 40th West Mesa High School Reunion. There I finally learned:
( ) Who the 1974 class valedictorian was;
( ) That the Class of 1989 parties harder;
( ) Everyone looks and dances EXACTLY the same as they did in 1974;
( ) None of the above.
There were several other activities in Albuquerque: a Frida Kahlo look-alike contest; climbed J Mountain; hiked the East Mesa; visited the National Museum of Nuclear Science and History. I passed time with the homeless folks on Central Avenue. A woman told a story about her sleeping spot in the alley directly behind the hotel where I was staying. A couple of mornings before, she was awakened by a light tapping on her shoulder. "Who is this person touching me in such an inappropriate manner?" she thought. Prepared to do battle, she peered out from under her blanket and found herself face-to-face with a curious bird. Curiosity satisfied, the bird hopped upon her shoulder and flew away. This story signifies:
( ) It’s harder to sleep on the streets of Albuquerque than you’d think;
( ) Burque birds are bold!;
( ) Symbolic estrangement from Nature;
( ) All of the above.
I started teaching freshman-college-level Astronomy at Yuba Community College. This was a notable step because I never took an Astronomy class in college, barely understood the subject, and was one chapter ahead of the class the entire time. This experience taught me:
( ) The less you know, the better you do;
( ) Today’s students just don’t keep up on the latest in Astrology;
( ) Modern high-tech classrooms are the bomb!;
( ) Everyone hates math today just the same as they did in 1974;
A very strange band from South Africa called ‘Die Antwoord’ performed at Oakland’s Fox Theatre on September 25th. I went to watch. My pre-show worries weren’t justified because;
( ) There were hardly any skinheads there;
( ) They don’t actually keep nasty vermin to spring unawares on the audience;
( ) They weren’t actually going to crucify Lady Gaga;
( ) All of the above.
I was part of a jury empaneled to decide a civil suit regarding a troubled construction project (the 2006 rebuilding of the Fishhook Interchange, Highways 1 and 17, on the outskirts of Santa Cruz). I was very surprised on the opening day of the trial when the jury was introduced to Dan Himick, CEO of C.C. Myers. There are times when the CEO of C.C. Myers is more important than the Governor of California, yet here he was, with us! And we ultimately decided against him too! What I learned was:
( ) The less you know, the better you do;
( ) Today’s CEOs just don’t keep up on the latest in Astrology;
( ) Modern contracts baffle everyone;
( ) If you strike at the king you must kill him;
( ) All of the above.
On November 7-8, the First Annual Breaking Bad Fest was held in Albuquerque. It was a pleasure to meet various celebrities, meet the Heisenhoneys, participate in a Netflix interview, and show off Albuquerque to fans Daniel Crocker (from the UK) and Michael van Voorst (from the Netherlands). One unforgettable moment was driving west on Indian School, just west of Carlisle, about 2 a.m. We spotted a canine loping down the street. It wasn't until we drew closer that we realized it was a Coyote! A wild dog in the middle of town means:
( ) You can never find a Roadrunner when you need one;
( ) The Acme Safe Company was closed;
( ) The town is slipping back, slipping back;
( ) It is a sign, but I just don’t know my Astrology;
( ) All of the above.
2015 will be a better year than 2014 because:
( ) You can never find a Roadrunner when you need one;
( ) The town is slipping back, slipping back;
( ) Today’s CEOs just don’t keep up on the latest in Astrology;
( ) It started raining again;
( ) 2015 will be the ‘Year of the Booty’ too;
( ) “Better Call Saul” will start;
( ) Laure Courtellemont will return to Sacramento and become my avatar for 2015;
( ) None of the above.
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, all ya’ll! Marc
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