I Feel Uncomfortable With Certain T-Shirts

Over the years, I've accumulated certain T-Shirts that I'd like to wear more often, but now is never the time to wear them.

I have my 'Believe' T-Shirt, with Barack Obama on it. Nice T-Shirt - you can almost hear the angels singing - but barely tolerable in November 2008, and not since.

Then there's the Lady Gaga T-Shirt featuring her bare derriere. Fortunately, the derriere tucks in below the waistline, so I can hide it for a time, but if I get even the slightest bit sloppy and the shirt gets untucked, I'm toast.

After 9/11, I got a T-Shirt screaming "AMERICA!", with eagles and flags and all kinds of patriotic excess. Unwearable.

Also after 9/11, I got this cute T-shirt with a Tele-Tubby wearing a beard and Afghan garb, and it's called 'Tali-Tubby'. I'd like to wear it, but my doppelganger with the "AMERICA!" T-Shirt would probably feel obliged to beat me up.

Sally got me a T-Shirt called "California", featuring a Soviet-looking Golden Bear with a Soviet-looking red star. She wonders why I don't wear it, but it's transparent GOP propaganda, and I just can't. But somehow it's not transparent to her....

Then there are the logo T-Shirts. I have one for Saturn, the defunct GM brand. Great T-Shirt. Beside the point, these days.

Then there's the T-Shirt my Brother-In-Law sent me, featuring a picture of a bulldog with an eyepatch and scars, and says "Lost. Answers to the name Cuddles." A literal-minded lady at the gym missed the humor, and with concern in her voice asked about the health of the dog. What's the use of humorous T-Shirts whose humor escapes most people?

I have two new big-sky Indian T-Shirts, with horses and clouds and all kinds of Native American paraphernalia, but they are just too over-the-top, somehow. Joe The Plumber likes them, and they are cool, but I need a drum circle to feel comfortable.

Then there's the best T-Shirt of all, for the Sarcasm Society of America: "Like we need your help!" Unfortunately, it's too small.

I wear DMTC T-Shirts, but even there, there are a few I don't know what to do with. Like the 2002 "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Coat" T-Shirt we wore on-stage for Pharoah's number. We were supposed to be Pharaoh's security detail, but there is a misspelling on the shirts that C. ordered: "Securitity" they say. I don't want to walk around getting randomly-corrected by people who can't endure misspellings.

Yeah, my closet is filled to the brim with interesting and nearly-useless stuff!