Secret Mission

Time to report for duty:

WASHINGTON, DC—In a televised address to the nation Monday, President Bush announced that the U.S. is in "desperate need of thousands of registered Democrats" to conduct what he called an "extremely important mission" to begin immediately and continue at least until the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November.

... "We are calling on the most stalwart Democrats in the land," Bush said. "In fact, they are the only ones capable of making it a success."

Although details were limited, an unnamed administration official revealed that, on Wednesday, November 1, registered Democrats will be asked to report to designated government rendezvous points such as post offices and military recruiting centers. Once there, they will be registered, fingerprinted, and issued one-piece jumpsuits, bedding, and canteens of drinking water, then directed to board brown school buses bound for an undisclosed location or locations.

... While Bush said any registered Democrat is eligible to participate, those who reside in Arizona's Fifth, Ohio's First, and Pennsylvania's Eighth Congressional Districts are most needed to ensure the mission's success. Democrats from New Jersey, Missouri, Tennessee, and "especially Virginia" were also strongly encouraged to volunteer.

... “I am delighted that, in this arduous midterm election season, the White House is finally reaching across the aisle to these fine, vigilant individuals,” said Sen. Rick Santorum (R–PA), who is up for re-election around the same time as the proposed mission. "Despite our differences, I know the Democrats of my home state are the kinds of folks the president is talking about—strong, devoted, caring people who support stem-cell research and stronger gun laws."