Bad Grandpa

Last week, I worked at the Montessori school as a Substitute Instructional Assistant (IA). (I used to be called a Substitute Teaching Assistant (TA) last semester, but somehow, as sometimes happens in bureaucratic institutions, the acronym changed over the summer.) At first, I was supposed to shuttle back and forth between classrooms as various IAs were withdrawn for training, but it seemed that no one needed me wherever I went. So, I ended up in a back room preparing baskets of whiteboards, markers, and notebooks for some obscure training purpose. Whatever they needed. 

But then, they assigned me to watch the TK and regular kindergartners at recess. Ah, this will be fun! A new batch of the littles. I started supervising the kids at play. Then things took an odd turn. Some of the kindergartners seemed to recognize me. Presumably they were TK kindergartners in the spring. They remembered having fun shouting "Boo!" at me and watching my mock horror. So, several girls started shouting "Boo!" at me. Several other kids joined in, picked up handfuls of wood chips and threw them at me. Then a little boy shouted "Bad Grandpa!" and started pummeling my midsection with his fists in the relentless manner of a Rock-Em, Sock-Em robot. Within a minute we were having our own mini-riot in this corner of the playground. I'm sure the other IAs were rolling their eyes in embarrassment. As any neophyte IA can tell you, it's important to maintain authority by keeping a certain distance from the littles. 

I started defusing the situation by converting the kid's punches into "elevator rides." The other kids began playing in a more-normal, friendly fashion. Several of the kids told me their names. Sometimes, when addressing kids, I use a salutation: Mr. or Miss. I think of it as being more formal than necessary - a kind of word play. I've done this sort of thing ever since I was in high school, but apparently I caused some distress here. An unhappy girl objected to this usage. Referring to her friend, she said, "Her name is not Miss Shawna! It's Shawna!" (*) 

(It was later pointed out to me that, at the local Montessori schools, teachers are addressed using Mr. or Miss, then their first name. So, I was addressing the little kids in the same way as they would address teachers. And they weren't teachers. So, once again, I was breaking the rules. Well, that's Bad Grandpa for you!) 

Kindergarten recess ended and I was assigned to watch older kids. Even there, I was out of practice and out of my depth. I failed to challenge a group of girls walking the perimeter of the playground. I was aware that it was against the rules to linger at the playground's fence, but apparently even walking next to the fence is against the rules, because there are things there that are out of the school's ability to control - barking dogs, inscrutable neighbors, and the like. I watched other kids in boisterous play, and didn't intercede, because it was just within what I considered tolerable conduct, and suffered as younger IAs came over and interfered. I know!  I know! I saw the conduct.  It's just that Bad Grandpa seems to be made of sterner stuff than today's younger school staff. Oh well, provided I see and hear it, and can recall, I'll eventually learn the newfangled ways too. 

(*) Name changed to protect the innocent.