A Kiwi Joke

Over at Wicked Thoughts, Australian Bussorah posted a New Zealand joke. I repost it here, in the interest of international comity:

“Kiwis” is the nickname for New Zealanders. “Eden Park” is a New Zealand football ground.

There are many different pronunciations of English. Cockneys (working class Londoners), for instance, have lost the “th” sound. They say “wif” instead of “with”.

In New Zealand, however, they have lost an entire vowel sound. They have lost the “i” sound so say “fush” instead of “fish”. The story below features an attempt to represent how New Zealanders speak.

The national football team is the “All Blacks” who are in fact mostly white — but are revered nonetheless. A picture of some of the team above. Most New Zealand jokes are about sheep but this one is different.


50,000 Kiwis meet in Eden Park for a “Kiwis Are Not Stupid” Convention.

Prime Minister John Key says, “We are all here today to pruv to the world thet Kiwis are not stupid. Ken I hev a volunteer?”

Ritchie McCaw the great All Black gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

Key asks him, “Rutchie whut uz fufteen plus fufteen?” After fufteen or twinty seconds Ritchie says, “Eighteen!”

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then all 50,000 Kiwis start chanting, “GUV HUM ANUTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANUTHER CHANCE!”

Key says, “Well, sunce we’ve gone to the trouble of gitting 50,000 of you un one place, end we have the world-wide priss end global broadcast media here, I thunk we ken guv hum anuther chance.”

So he asks, “Whut uz sivven plus sivven?” After nearly suxty seconds he eventually says, “Twunty!”

Key is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh and everyone is disheartened.

Ritchie starts crying and the 50,000 Kiwis begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, “GUV HUM ANUTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANUTHER CHANCE!”

Key, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, “Ok! Ok! Just one more chance.Rutchie, whut uz two plus two?”

Ritchie closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, “Four!”

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 50,000 Kiwis jump to their feet, wave their arms, stamp their feet and scream:

“GUV HUM ANUTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANUTHER CHANCE!”