Help Us Destroy Jesus And Start A New Age Of Liberal Darkness

Howling "like sex-starved, atheist wolves". Yes, it's tough out here on the agnostic plateaus. Too many Sunday school classes making Biblical grape clusters from purple marbles and Elmer's glue instead of making Pentagram-themed dream catchers. Time to take the initiative:

CHARLOTTE, NC—With the savage roar of the heathen Democratic horde rising all around him, President Barack Obama delivered an incendiary speech to close his party’s national convention Thursday night, commanding the ultraprogressive minions in attendance to help him “destroy Jesus and usher in a new age of liberal darkness that shall reign o’er the earth for a thousand years.”

The thunderous 45-minute address—during which the president argued for a second term so that he could “finally kill Jesus once and for all, as well as all those who worship him”—was well received by the frenzied, wild-eyed audience, whose piercing chants of “Four more years!” and “Slaughter the believers!” echoed throughout the Time Warner Cable Arena.