Bart Simpson and the West Sacramento Police Department

OK, 100 times on the blackboard:

• The accelerator is not a plaything

Not good enough? OK, how about these:

• The speed limit is a cap, not a floor
• Interstate-80 is not Satan's "Speed-Demon Highway"
• "80" is an Interstate number, not a speed limit
• Yolo County Police are not pawns for Aztec sacrifices
• DMTC rehearsal is not a life-threatening emergency
• "'cause" is a weak answer, even on the "Yolo Causeway"
• Other drivers are not "Fly-Over People"
• Flashing red lights don't mean fake a seizure

As you can probably tell, I ran afoul of the law this evening. Should have mouthed back to the cop Homer Simpson's famous utterance?:

Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?

It's time to reproduce a 1997 chain E-Mail. The opening credits of "The Simpsons" shows Bart Simpson writing the same sentence over and over again on a chalkboard - reminiscent of the whole "write it 100 times" punishment - which establishes him as a troublemaker. Each episode is usually different. Someone (not me) apparently went through the trouble of taping all the Simpsons, watching them all and noting what Bart is writing on the board. These are the collected writings of Bart's chalkboard exercises shown during the opening credits.

• I will not carve gods.
• I will not spank others.
• I will not aim for the head.
• I will not barf unless I'm sick
• I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
• I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
• I will not conduct my own fire drills.
• Funny noises are not funny.
• I will not snap bras.
• I will not fake seizures.
• This punishment is not boring and pointless.
• My name is not Dr. Death.
• I will not defame New Orleans.
• I will not prescribe medication.
• I will not bury the new kid.
• I will not teach others to fly.
• I will not bring sheep to class.
• A burp is not an answer.
• Teacher is not a leper.
• Coffee is not for kids.
• I will not eat things for money.
• I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.
• The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
• I will not call the principal "spud head".
• Goldfish don't bounce.
• Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
• No one is interested in my underpants.
• I will not sell miracle cures.
• I will return the seeing eye dog.
• I do not have diplomatic immunity.
• I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
• I will never win an Emmy.
• The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
• All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
• I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.
• I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
• My homework was not stolen by a one armed man.
• I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
• I am not deliciously saucy.
• Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
• The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan."
• I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
• There are plenty of businesses like show business.
• Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
• I will not waste chalk.
• I will not skateboard in the halls.
• I will not instigate revolution.
• I will not draw naked ladies in class.
• I did not see Elvis.
• I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes."
• Garlic gum is not funny.
• They are laughing at me, not with me.
• I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom.
• I will not encourage others to fly.
• I will not fake my way through life.
• Tar is not a plaything.
• I will not Xerox my butt.
• It's potato, not potatoe.
• I will not trade pants with others.
• I am not a 32 year old woman.
• I will not do that thing with my tongue.
• I will not drive the principal's car.
• I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.
• I will not sell school property.
• I will not burp in class.
• I will not cut corners.
• I will not get very far with this attitude.
• I will not belch the National Anthem.
• I will not sell land in Florida.
• I will not grease the monkey bars.
• I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.
• I will not do anything bad ever again.
• I will not show off.
• I will not sleep through my education.
• I am not a dentist.
• Spitwads are not free speech.
• Nobody likes sunburn slappers.
• High explosives and school don't mix.
• I will not bribe Principal Skinner.
• I will not squeak chalk.
• I will finish what I sta
• "Bart Bucks" are not legal tender.
• Underwear should be worn on the inside.
• The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
• I will not torment the emotionally frail.