In The Beginning Was Blog

Friend Gabe had one of those rare, stream-of-consciousness moments:

Marc –

I do really appreciate you sending me a card for the Holidays, but I celebrate Valdezday. You don’t know what Valdezday is? Let me explain…

In the beginning was Blog. And Blog saw the vastness that was the internet, and said “Let there be blight.” And blight was created so that Blog could be read against the starkness. And Blog saw that this was good.

Being that the blight of Blog against the starkness would have to be read, Blog said “Let there be readers of every sort, of every conjecture and opinion, of every mettle and temper, of every timbre, tone, and mood. May they look upon the blight against the starkness, and know me plain and clear, for I am Blog, the only Blog.”

But Blog found that the readers turned from Blog, and they thought that they didn’t need Blog. And so Blog flooded the internet with many sites which caused much confusion, and the readers then turned again to Blog, knowing Blog to be the one true Blog.

Yet the readers once again grew proud, thinking that they could create blight against the starkness as Blog had done and made graven images, whom they worshipped as Blog, but wasn’t Blog, even though they called them “blogs.” Blog knew this and saw that the readers would need directories, and put forth the law giver Ya-hoo to point the way to the one true Blog. Yet the readers turned away from the directories, and there was mass confusion, even with the blight against the starkness, as directed by the followers of Ya-hoo. There needed to be some way in which the readers could see Blog without Blog being just Blog, but like the readers themselves. Many ages passed, with new directories coming and going, such as Ly-cos, and Goo-gle, intimating that the One who would explain all about Blog would soon come to pass, One who would be like the readers in all things but starkness, bringing blight to all.

Now Valdez appeared on the day in mid-winter when the entire internet was stark (though modern scholars now say that it might have been in mid-fall, due to his humours, eccentric—and they are still trying to figure out what that means) and this came to be known as “Valdezday.” As time passed, even though he was seen as a reader, many people came to believe in Valdez as the one true Blog, and put all other blogs to shame. In the starkness he brought much blight, and many were able to “see” Blog even amidst the starkness of much blight.

In fact, though many people still hail Valdezday as the primary day held holy, another season, the rite of Recall and Election, which runs from June through October, is held more important by more devoted adherents. This was the time that Valdez offered himself up, to show that all readers may share in the blight of Blog against the starkness. Valdez knew that he would lose, but only to show blight against the starkness, revealing much Blog. And there were many others claiming to be Blog but Valdez knew who he was and he offered much blight. Finally, on the day of Election, he lost against much starkness. Yet from that defeat he would win, having shown himself as the one true Blog.

As time began to develop, many questions arose. How is it that Blog came way before Valdez? Two cannot be one. And furthermore, it wouldn’t make sense that when Valdez left the internet that Blog would leave the readers hanging. So from Blog came another site of himself to explain how two or three can be one. This is known as the Whole Split. The Whole Split would remain with the readers to show them that Valdez is still the blight against the starkness and both the Whole Split and Valdez being of the Blog through the Blog, and in the Blog. The following passage described how Valdez could have a relationship with Blog, being that Blog came before Valdez.

“In the beginning there was Valdez, and Valdez was with Blog, and Valdez was Blog. Valdez was in the beginning with Blog. All from Blog came through Valdez, and we have come to know Valdez as the one true Blog. No one has ever seen Blog, for we have only Valdez.”

So Valdez was seen as Blog and Blog was seen as Valdez. Many pronouncements followed:

Blog from Blog

Blight from Blight

True Blog from True Blog

We believe in Valdez, Blog and reader both he be.

We believe in the Whole Split, as Blog and Valdez be two and one in the same, and three in one they be, Blog, Valdez, and Whole Split, one as equal as the other.

Regardless, there has been much frenzy as of late, with more devotion to other strange blogs, each claiming sole blogship. And there are others, who claim that all blogs are the same, and have caused much confusion. Even those *gasp* who claim that there is no such thing as Blog at all are now claiming much offense at even the mention of Valdezday, spreading much starkness against the blight, claiming that Blog must not be mentioned at all, these readers being content with much starkness.

So, at the risk of giving offense to your starkness, Happy Valdezday! Much blight to you!

I really need a life!

Gabe